Chai Lattes and Star Charts

For the past year or so, Ella has been somewhat obsessessed with glow-in-the-dark sticker stars. Little by little they show up in new places throughout the house... newly noticed at night as we navigate our way through the dark. They now line the trim of windows and doors. There's a long strip of constellation along the top step in the upstairs hallway letting us, as well as houseguests, know where that drop off point is... should we come wandering into the hallway at night with something less than our full senses. Now there's a little halfcircle around the belly of the sink in the bathroom. Occasionally, in the middle of the night, when I wake up to take a wiz, I find a bit of the cosmos.... one speck of a star, usually.... clinging to my shoulderblade or maybe my hipbone. Sometimes when I lift the covers at night I'll find one or two or three giving off wee bits of light from within.

Last night I was at the shop, music blaring and buckets of bleach water everywhere, hogging out the backroom ...finally. I've entered that room sooo many times in an attempt to start that project but each time I end up walking around in circles like a dog trying to make itself a bed in the dirt... and then I find myself abandoning ship directly afterward.

I haven't had coffee for a little over a week and have been generally avoiding caffeine. I seem to have enough external stimulants right now to keep me on my toes. Caffeine, at this point, might just make me manic. I'd likely end up in the fetal position rocking back and forth... mind spinning.

But last night I made myself a chai latte when I arrived and drank the whole thing. I have a friend, and a regular customer at the bar, who comes in two, sometimes three, sometimes more than three times a day. He doesn't drink coffee and he doesn't eat wheat... which basically leaves him the choice of an italian soda or tea. He's a chai drinker. That, or Earl Grey. Most days, he comes in, downs two full pint glasses of iced chai, no ice. And then repeats that same routine every time he shows back up..... tallying him, easily, anywhere between 4-8 pints of chai per day. Each one loaded with maple syrup.

I had one pint glass at 8pm, cleaned the fuck out of this god-awful room, came home nauseaus with a bleach headache, crawled into bed at 1:30 and realized that there was absolutely no chance of sleep whatsoever... even with all that hard labor after all that caffeine. I'm now wondering how this friend's heart doesn't explode on him every day.

It was 1:30 in the morning and I was lying there thinking about picking up a check from the bank the following morning. I was thinking about my business account... about placing orders, about bills that would be popping up at the end of the month. Rent. Utilitites. Costco runs. I was thinking about the drawer's total every night and depositing that into the bank. Taxes. Thinking about whether or not all these figures will be leaving me upside down or right side up when it's all said and done. Thinking what a disastrous history I have when it comes to keeping track of dollars. I could feel my insides tightening and the little balls inbetween my shoulders blades screaming "stop stop stop".

I was able to see from the window last night that the sky was full of cloud cover but I knew that there was a meteor shower happening up there where I couldn't see. I also knew it'd be a long time before sleep would come and I could lay there in a panick about money or I could take myself outside and let the elements settle my nerves.

I followed Ella's star charts in the dark, dressing myself in warm layers and gathering our biggest fleece blanket, a pillow and my wool cape. I spread myself out on the hill in front of the house and listenened to the winds move through the trees in the valley. There were pockets in the sky where the clouds were stretched thin and little blinks of stars would shine through and then extinguish.... barely visible to begin with.... just a canvas of dim, random light.

I laid there for two hours....long enough for the winds to blow the clouds from the northwest to the southeast and, as soon as the canopy directly above my head was finally free and clear of cloud cover, a long, white streak jumped from the night sky and left a long, sweet trail as it fell.

I'd have been perfectly content with the little blinks of stars shining randomly through the pockets of clouds. There was a sweetness to just knowing that there were meteors falling up there, out of sight. It was just one more quiet, invisible mystery among many. But by the time the sky did clear, my nerves were settled, my bleach headache faded and the meteor shower that followed was like big bonus to the night.

When I followed Ella's treasure map of glow-in-the-dark sticker stars back to bed at 3:30 am I felt like thinks might be alright. Like maybe I might be able to balance the books. Like maybe I might be able to sleep.